Warning: This is an extremely meta post.

In response to a recent NYT article in which I was quoted, a very clever reader I assume, googled me, found my Facebook profile and proceeded to send me the following message:

Speak for yourself. Asian and Indian men are raised pretty much by doctors and engineers, and doctors and engineers only. They get married relatively young, don’t cheat, don’t even look at other women, do more household chores than anyone and everyone, and expect their women to be equal (if not greater) partners who achieve at a similarly high level.

There are a lot of things problematic about this statement. One, I AM speaking for myself. Two, that generalization is sort of racist.

I feel like I grabbed the third rail of some conflict I’m not sure how to define. The Pew Report is interesting, however, as a culture, our response to its findings is fascinating. And not in a good way. At all. Some people are downright Catty McBitchy.

Others are misogynistic:

This is a disastrous trend. Can anyone name one society in history that has been dominated by women and which has prospered and survived. I can’t.

Others are comedians:

Big buff dude, who is for some reason shirtless in a library (who may also be carrying an axe in order to appear lumberjack manly): Hey babe, are you done with the microfiche?
Syreeta (turning slowly, flicking her hair, pushing her glasses down to the tip of her nose): Why yes, yes I am? Say, you wouldn’t happen to have a passport handy now would you?

Others just think I’m bitter:

‘I read the article in the Times that you were quoted in and looked you up online. Were You quoted correctly? “With men of any ethnic group, it’s a little intimidating for them to encounter smart women.”
Really? All men? All ethnic groups? The stereotypes that you generate are worse than the stereotypes than men generate about women, but you went to Sarah Lawrence, so I know that you are a bitter, angry, unbalanced and unpleasant young lady who will spend most of her life contriving ugly things to do and say about men (how’s that for a stereotype?)’

Um, WOW.  And regardless of whether or not I was quoted correctly, or because I went to one school over another and that says how I feel about everything is also a bit ridiculous. I also love the internet for encouraging some seriously bold assaults from people who wouldn’t dare say any of this to my face. Many of whom are women. Seriously. I’ve had more women assault me with vapid commentary about what they *think* I meant rather than engage me seriously about the conversation. People were angry, cynical, bitchy, frustrated, bitter or assumed that I and my lot are. *kanye shrug*

Most people looked at the surface of the words and have gone so far to make grand assumptions about me. Most people were quick to rip me apart.  Many seem to have googled me to find my photo work (yes, my photo website needs work, a redesign is on the horizon) and surprised to discover that I’m African American, and not overweight (which says something too).

Most take issue with my infamous quote (underlined above) which is missing a key word: SOME.

I’ll accept responsibility for that. I should’ve been more precise in my language, and certainly with the reporter. I should have been more careful. I know better than to generalize anyone. Perhaps I shouldn’t have said men are intimidated by anything.  Perhaps if the reporter had asked a follow up question about dating men who are as educated as me (on paper) and what my experience had been, you’d hear a different response. Perhaps if the reporter had asked other questions beyond his very directed question suggesting that *I* feel pressure dating me who are not as ‘educated’ as me. I never actually said I felt pressure.  That was the writer’s choice for transition. Me? I kinda don’t really care. I really don’t take myself that seriously. Anyone actually *knows* me can cosign on that. If I meet someone who’s interesting, awesome sauce. If not, aren’t I free to move on to the next one? (Whatup Jay-z.)

Yet I’m not sure why SOME people have unleashed such vitriolic bile at a quoted woman in an uneven fluff piece. And as that woman, I don’t believe that all women are subject to such doom and gloom scenarios about dating and marriage. I just don’t. There’s more to it than that. I actually said a lot more flattering things about the opposite sex. Those remarks didn’t make it into the article (ahem, editing). Men college educated or not, can be magic.  But the Times piece ignores some other important cultural observations about where we are as a society in the decades since the feminist movement began. It also sets up African American women rather precariously in this constructed narrative. Most of the women quoted in the piece were women of color, and forgive me, there are some things that are unique to that experience. The reactions to the Times piece on various blogs and the comments sections,  the Pew Report and Nightline’s wincing portrayal of black women and dating, in addition to the ongoing cultural war for marriage equality, tells me that our entire attitude about marriage, love and partnership is being challenged. It tells me that perhaps it’s time we have a mature conversation about these matters. Something more than the canned commentary and base douche-baggery.

Love, that many splintered thing, is such a deeply personal choice. No one wants to be told whom they should  and can love. No one wants to be told that they’re not good enough. Everyone wants to be accepted. We’re a generation of men and women who are at a powerful crossroads. And if we’re successful during this season, we may find some modicum of balance in our relationships with each other and the world. I don’t say this idly or loftily. I’m hopeful for all of us –men and women– that we’ll find a partner that best matches our values and nurture our best selves. I’m also sensitive to the fact that not any one person will fulfill every need. We need to be complete people. Not an ideal, not archetype. But be are own person. Not a constructed narrative or wish list. Real people.

I certainly don’t have answer on how we get there. I never purported to. I spoke from my experience, and for someone with my background, my education, my experience, dating is a far more complicated enterprise. We get shitted on from all sides. All varieties. And again to be clear, I am speaking from own experience, which is also informed by  some experiences from some of my friends, who run the gamut of African American, Jewish, Latina, White and Multi-ethnic. Some are college graduates, some are not.  Some are men, some are straight, some are gay. And I can assure you dear reader, there’s no bitterness here on our side. We know that there’s someone out there for someone. People enter and leave your life at different times for various reasons.  And from each relationship you learn something about yourself, what you love, what you like, what you will tolerate and what you can’t abide.

I’m a first generation college grad from the ghetto. Do I ask men where they went to school on a first date? No. Who does that? If it comes up in conversation, it comes up. I’m not interested in SAT scores, I don’t care where you went to school, I don’t care who your father is, who your mother is, what your dad or mother did.  I don’t care where you shop, I don’t care what car you drive. I don’t care where you live (well, I’d like you better if you lived in Brooklyn) You are more than a list, no? I’m not dating a title or a diploma. I’m dating a person. A complete human being. Best to quote Dr. Seuss here: Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.

And through this hullabaloo, my friend noted that I forgot the full quote of the tongue and cheek statement, Do you have a passport and a library card, and are you prepared to use them? This statement that launched a thousand snarky bites. It isn’t meant to be a put down; it’s a metaphor. A flirty way in to learn something about the other that isn’t wrapped in a job title, or school name or the usual banal banter that we all (men and women) find ourselves trapped in. It goes beyond what the person looks like and the initial physical attraction. It’s a way to meet someone in the middle and determine if you’re willing, to make the journey with him or her.  Relationships are just that. It’s a journey.